I took at breath and then I was an Mother-In-Law

I took a breath and then I was an Mother-In-Law

A friend recently posted a picture of her three-year-old son on his birthday, the caption read “I took a breath and then he was three”.  It always amazes me that no matter how many people warn you that time with your small children flies by so fast, when you are in the middle of it, it seems it may never end.  But seemly as fast as I took a single breath I was sitting in the temple and my baby was about to become a wife.

This first child of mine has always amazed me.  We have been through so much together.   My cancer, her testifying against a teacher, trips across the country, serving in the Spanish Branch for 5 years when neither of us speak Spanish and so much more.  She is wise beyond her years, talented, beautiful inside and out.  During her first year of college when spent hours on the phone, classes, roommates, recipes, boys and even THE boy were all discussed at great length.  

I loved her soon to be husband from the time I met him.  He is a perfect match for her and she for him.  He is kind, understanding, cheerful, confident and supportive all that she wants to do and become.  I was so excited for them to become husband and wife and so hopeful for their future.

The changing role from mom to mother-in-law was uncertain water.  I found myself struggling at times with my changing role.  Forcing myself to say, “what does your husband think”, instead of giving my advice.  But even though I thought I was being careful there were still places where we struggled to find balance.  I had to work hard to not have hurt feelings if they choose a vacation over visiting home or when the phone calls became less frequent.

I could have really used James Harper and Susanne Olsen’s advice in their book Helping and Healing Our Families.  It would have saved moments of hurt feelings and made the transition easier.   When talking to the parents they say parents need to learn that, “married children can be emotionally close without always having to be present.”  Being continuously present was one of those, “implicit” family roles that Bernard Poduska described in his book Till Debt Do Us Part.  These are roles that become the rules, born of tradition, taught to us so young that they are almost unnoticed, they (though unspoken) become “just the way we do things”.

Growing up, my family, extended and nuclear, got together often.  At times the number of gatherings was overwhelming.  So, of course, my daughter and her new husband should know they are needed to be present for all holidays, weddings, mission calls, baptisms, ordinations, family dinners, birthdays, and on and on.

We all soon realized that this was not her or her husband's idea of a good marriage, and for that matter I even struggled with it, wishing we could have time together as a family to create our own roles and traditions.  

It didn’t take long before we had ironed out this and many other transitions as we learned what it meant to become two families instead of one.  Olsen and Harper go on to remind us In-laws that we should do all we can to avoid these five pitfalls.  “They are giving advice, criticizing, pinning down children in law as to the specific reasons they are missing a family event,  criticizing or taking over the discipline of grandchildren, trying to control everyone and everything including children’s beliefs and unclear and indirect communication.”   I am so lucky that my In-laws are great examples of these principles.

I want my children-in-law to feel my love and support.  I want them to know of my confidence in them and my deep respect for their marriages.  I want to only hear words of encouragement as they learn to cleave to each other.  I want the first child-in-law to know that he, like my first child, who he married, was the guinea pig and that everyone who comes after him should thank him for letting me make so many mistakes with him.  My future children-in-law owe him one or two.