“closing the debate tends to close minds”

“THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World”, 1995)

When I heard these words, I had just had my first baby.  I was sitting in a church building in California with my mother and mother-in-law on either side. Nothing in the proclamation seemed provocative at the time. My initial thought was this was a statement pushing back against the growing divorce rate and fatherlessness.

Now more than a decade later The Proclamation has a whole new meaning. A clarify statement in a world that is struggling with gender, marriage and happiness.  These words are profound, prophetic and powerful.  I am thankful to have studied this document, tested the teachings found within it and shared it with my children.

My sister, who I love, announced recently that she is a lesbian. My cousin, who I love, announced he was gay long before such announcements were greeted with understanding and compassion.  Both of these family members where raised in the LDS faith and served missions.  They have struggled with the feelings they have, battled with depression as they came to understand just what their feelings of attraction would mean to the rest of their lives.

Though this doesn’t change my beliefs on the topic of Marriage I do feel the burden of discipleship is heavy as President Nelson reminds us in a commencement speech given at BYU titled Disciples of Jesus Christ- Defenders of Marriage. I believe in President Nelson’s promise, “As you are true and faithful, not only will he help you and protect you, He will bless your families” (4).  My hope is that the help will come in the way of gentle, truthful words, and courage to stand alone if necessary.  The blessings I hope for are peace, mutual respect and understanding with freedom to live and worship according to the dictates of my own conscience.

For the first time, I read the Supreme Court Brief, Obergefell v. Hodges, that legalized gay marriage. I always assumed that these types of legal options would be far above my ability to understand, so it never occurred to me to read one before.  But on this very important issue and with the prompting of a homework assignment, I dug in.  I found it interesting and much easier to read than I thought.  I love how affirming the brief was about marriage.  “Marriage has transformed strangers into relatives, binding families and societies together” (Brief, 8).  “The right to marriage thus dignifies couples who wish to define themselves by their commitment to each other” (Brief, 20). “Marriage also affords the permanency and stability important to children’s best interest” (Brief, 21). It also reminds us that, “the nature of injustice is that we may not always see it in our own time” (Brief, 16).

While there are many parts Obergefell v. Hodges brief I can agree with, as a person who has worked politics for more than a decade, I am concerned about how the discussion about gay marriage was truncated by the Supreme Court. The political process is messy and expensive.  Voices seem to shout louder and louder, the debate is not always respectful, logical or appealing.  We get emotionally drained by the stories and arguments.  These all bleed over to our friend groups, facebook posts, and family dinners.  It can be exhausting.  But we are talking.  We are thinking.  We are sharing.  We are deciding.  We are testing our ideas and beliefs.  We are learning.  As Judge Roberts said in his dissent of the decision, “that is exactly how our system of government is supposed to work” (Brief, 62).   He goes on to warn that, “closing the debate tends to close minds” (Brief, 63).  We as a nation have great respect for the US Supreme Court, there is nowhere left to go to appeal their decision.  When they role it is perceived as the final word on the matter.  But it doesn’t have to be that way, we can keep seeking common ground.

So, that is how I plan to carry the burden of discipleship on this very important topic.  I will as Alexandar Dushku suggested in his speech at the BYU Religious Freedom Annual Review in 2015, find a space were each side can speak, worship, live, without negative stigmatisms that forces one side to disappear into the shadows, shamed and outcast from society.  For that is where injustice breeds into hatred.  We need a place of mutual respect and understanding for both my beliefs and the beliefs of others can be shared.  We have done that in my family and if we can do that in other families then it will create a society where we can keep talking, keep debating, keep thinking, loving and respecting one another.