I will die for you, but will I turn off the TV?

I will die for you, but will I turn off the TV?

Disclaimer-  None of what I am about to say regarding giving your whole soul to marriage applies to people in physically or mentally abusive situations.

  

Whether we are talking about our kids or our spouse most would acknowledge that they would lay down their lives to protect their loved one.  There is even evidence that people willingly make such sacrifices.  A mother in Oakland stepped between her child and a gunman, a South Carolina husband died as a result of burns he suffered  saving his wife from their condo engulfed in flames, a husband lost his life shielding his wife in the Las Vegas shooting rampage and just last week a California father died after jumping into an aqueduct to save his son, who had fallen off his bike and into the water. These sacrifices are inspiring and illustrate the degree to which we are capable toward rescuing a loved one.   I have no doubt that I would be willing to make such a sacrifice.   Which caused me to ask….   

IF I AM WILLING TO LAY DOWN MY LIFE,

THEN WHY WON’T I TURN OFF THE TV FOR HIM?

I know that seems silly, but isn’t it true?  When my husband comes home and my favorite show is on, why not turn it off?  When he is talking to me, why not turn off my phone?  Why not give him my full and undivided attention when he needs it? Why let the unimportant distractions of the world take me away from the person who I promised to love the most? 

The answer lies in selfishness.   I think that my “thing” is more important and that he can wait.  His needs are less important than mine.  It is this mentality that leads us into conflict with our spouse.   Gottman would argue that conflicts in marriage take two forms, solvable or perpetual problems. Solvable problems are typically situational, temporary stress that arises, but is not repeated and ongoing like perpetual problems.  These types of problems “center on either fundamental differences in your personalities, or fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs” (Gottman, 138 ). All marriages have both types of conflicts and Gottman offers some very practical advice on how to reduce the effect they can have on our marriages.

While I appreciate and agree with Gottman’s suggestions I think the real solution is found in the idea of a consecrated marriage that Goddard talks about in his book.  It is the type of marriage that I am striving for.  A consecrated marriage is one where “we move from asking how we can get our needs met, to asking how we can bless and serve” (Goddard, 110) our spouse.   We recognize that the promises we made at marriage include working with God to save our spouse and that no sacrifice would be too great.  We promised to follow the example of Christ and be willing to suffer all things to support our spouse.  This includes grumpiness, annoying habits and not knowing who the Bachelor gave his last rose too!

Goddard points out that, “most of our sacrifices take on a startlingly pedestrian form”(Goddard, 104).  I think we find it easier to make a periodic BIG sacrifice than the thousands of little things we should be doing better.  Yet the better I get at consistently living a  consecrated marriage the more my perpetual problems go away. 

Our family lives a very busy lifestyle which has created a perpetual conflict.  We get into arguments over the amount of time my husband is gone from the home.   I think that my needs are not being met and I have a long list of offenses that I can use to illustrate my point.  I even will flood him with this list when I feel justified pointing out his imperfections. Gottman who says that we just need to find a way to handle our conflict better. 

 But when I am focused on our goal of living a consecrated marriage, I don’t flood him.  I look for ways to meet his needs instead of focusing on my own.  I give all and need nothing.  I feel grateful that he is willing to sacrifice so I can stay home with our kids.  I make a little list of all the amazing things that happened today, that he missed being a part of and share them with him.  I make myself available when he is available.  I invite him to on a date that I plan, instead of keeping track of how many days or months it has been since he planned a date.   I take the time we have together and think of ways to meet his needs “gladly and wholeheartedly bring my whole soul as an offering to the everyday events of a relationship” (Goddard, 109). Thus, the conflict is no more, no longer a part of our marriage.   

“Consecration has dimensions of both depth and length.  We offer our whole souls – depth.  We also continue to serve and love patiently over time – length” (Goddard 108).  This kind of marriage is not created quickly or easily, thankfully I have an eternity to try to figure it out. 

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, Utah, JoyMap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, New York,  Crown Publishing.