THANK HEAVENS

This week I have spent more time than usually visiting with friends.  One is a police officer who has to deal with some very yucky stuff (epic understatement) at work, another someone dealing with children issues related to divorce, two young adults preparing for boot camp, and a family member dealing with a special needs child.   I worry about all of the people in my life and wonder how they will fact these very real challenges.  Each of these stressors not only effect the individual, but also their children, spouses and ultimately their marriages. 

We all know the impacts of divorce and that divorce is rising.  Paul Amato is a professor at Pennsylvania State University and author of The Impact of Family Formation Change on Cognitive, Social and Emotional Well Being of the Next Generation, talks about the negative effects divorce has on children.   He points out that is especially hard on boys and that children are better off if the divorced parents can find a way to successfully co-parent. This isn’t new information, we know we are better in healthy families.   No one starts a marriage hoping for divorce.

Elder Dallin H Oaks in an article printed in the May 2007 Ensign simply titled, Divorce, points out that, “a good marriage does not require a perfect man or woman. It only requires a man and woman committed to strive together toward perfection.”  He also notes in that same article that “two out of three unhappily married adults who avoid divorce reported being happily married five years later.”     THANK HEAVENS!   I don’t have to be a prefect wife to make my marriage work.  I will never be prefect.  I just have to never quit trying, never give up and get lost on the trail.

One of my favorite scriptures comes from the war chapters of the Book of Mormon.  The war in the land had been going on for years and the military leader made this observation, “…. many had become hardened, because of the exceedingly great length of the war; and many were softened because of their afflictions, insomuch that they did humble themselves before God, even in the depth of humility.”(Alma 62:41) 

Professor Carlfred Broderick from USC shared the same idea when talking about those who suffer abusive childhoods, but then break that cycle of abuse and become a transition person in their family tree, “through the grace of God some find the strength to “purge” the poison within themselves, refusing to pass on to the future generations.” (Liahona, 1987) We all have traditions that are less than prefect and we all have the obligation to leave our linage better than we found it. Though neither of these are a direct answer to my question, they both lead to the same idea.  People can experience stressful events, sometimes even the same event, but how they choose to respond makes all the difference. 

           

Why does one sibling become a transitional character and the next a clone of the abuser they loathe?  Why does one marriage experience something as difficult as the death of a child and come through it stronger and the next marriage ends in divorce? 

The difference between falling victim to life or thriving seems to be choice.  Do we choose to harden our hearts or humble ourselves, do we purge the poison or poison the next generation?   How we answer that question will make all the difference for ourselves and our relationships, especially our marriages.